A Lifetime Gone Wrong

Once, I said
and you said
the child in me fell in love with the child in you.

We felt destined to meet,
to fall -
faster and faster
spinning out of control
into that moment
in the bitter cold of December
embracing as the wind whipped the  flag in the distance,
the clang of the flagpole serenaded a strange moment in Time
and we swore that Something happened in that pause-

Something that meant everything or nothing
or anything….

Why didn’t we stop to wonder about the pause?
The hesitation spoke volumes in our eyes wide with silence.

I think Life flashes before your eyes
not only before Death
but in those moments
where reality and dreaming blend into soft Monet patterns
a place between asleep and wide awake
a place of limitless possibilities
a place usually left untapped
in the drone of our day to day lives.

It was passion and hope,
it was two lost souls desperate for a change in fortune,
and in the end,
it was futile wishing -
sand sliding inescapably through grasping fingertips
that proved intention was merely half the battle.

As you said
time and time again,
actions speak louder than words
and I listened,
even when I looked out the window,
drowning a million miles away.

We learned,
you can not save a drowning man
refusing to relinquish his dead weight,
and you can not combine two souls
carrying the burdens of a lifetime gone wrong.

Skywriting Without A Net

Pulling away from you
heading toward open skies
my heart is freewheeling,
with loops and death defying dives.

Freed of my blinders,
unfettered by once familiar brakes
anxiously feeling for the ground,
I’m skywriting without a net.
New words scribbled spontaneously
all about me for once
and nothing about you.

Woke up one morning
oddly light and calm.
Bathed in slashes of warm sun beams,
dark hair splayed out across my white pillow,
I lay quite still.
Content.
Still dreaming.
Then-
Sat up so slowly.
Something was different.

Cautious, unsettled, searching,
I went through the motions of a day,
until,
it finally came-
Piercing revelations,
the clearest blue sky,
nearly white with the absence of a single cloud,
I was free!

A symphony of clarity-
an epiphany long awaited-
a year-long cloudy day lifted
to reveal a gorgeous sunrise,
filled with the promise of young dreams reborn.

Letting go the throttle,
breathing a sigh of relief,
I can drift into the unknown now
without needing you.

Lingering Ghosts

I don’t know when it all began to unravel
I only know that it did so quietly
and ever so slowly
until all that was left
was an absence,
a nothing where there was once something.

Waking up every morning,
to the sun’s intrusion,
blindly aching for all the tiny moments
that made us, us -
was akin to dying from a gut shot wound.

my resentment grew.

Rather than fading away
to become nothing more
than gauzy remnants of a waking nightmare,
you stayed around to haunt me.

Cruel and carefully placed words
designed to linger on after you were gone,
danced sharp knives through the air around me,
shimmering caustically, like copper.

Worse still, words meant to invoke loyalty
whispers of forever, eternity -
words from the heart
stab me further, deeper.

Broken promises are passe,
broken hearts are cliche,
It’s an old story yet so new to me.
The walls I built so early on
protected me – until now.

Hesitant on a precipice,
feet laden with decision,
forgiving you is the step I’ve yet to take.

The If Only’s

Once, I dreamt of a day when I’d feel a certain way.
That day, full of unwelcome surprises,
has come and gone
on stormy rollicking waves,
accompanied by the brassy clash of cymbals.

The enormity of missing is a black pit tonight
full of forbidden thoughts and wishes
dreams of such a life no longer on any horizon.

The If, But, Why, If Only’s are plaguing me,
stubbornly shrieking,
“I was WRONGED!”

I sigh and shrug.

What can I tell them?

Life is hard.

Life isn’t fair.

Inadequacy fills me now,
as it has all those who’ve come before-
hands full of explanations,
explanations full of empty words and hot air.

Life is pratfalls and pitfalls,
sometimes devastating periods,
marred by moments of beauty.

Is it what you make of it?
Or just a chaotic mess, without rhyme or reason?

Sleep, a welcome break from here,
awaits me with no answers-
but a promise of forgetting.

New dawn brings new hope.

Maybe therein  lies the secret, If Only.

Reconciling the Two of You

Your head in my lap-
running my long fingers lightly over
your thick, closely cropped hair-
I sighed and murmured
words of whispered love.

Kept my eyes averted from them,
my spirit subdued like a woman in a burka.
yet you still stood bristling guard…
like a snarling lion protecting his kill.

Walked giggling down Crystal Lake Avenue
with “our” girl chattering happily at me
-a baby monkey on my hips-
She learned about caterpillars and butterflies from me.

Ran away from you
down Crystal Lake Avenue.
Everyone else was safe, asleep in their beds
When you finally caught up with me…

Met your eyes across every room
Walked in sync,
To the synchronized beats
Of our different drummers.

Pieces of my shattered cell phone between us-
Breathing hard, like boxers squaring off,
we stood warily in our respective corners,
waiting to see who would be responsible for round 10.

Fell asleep like a child
To the sound of your
Rhythmic breathing, low growling voice
and heavy arm

You blocked my retreat with
broken promises and very real threats.

Backed into a corner
I trembled with silent rage
forced to watch the bottom fall out
of the fantasy we’d created.

Missing Hope

a child
bright with hopes and dreams
laughing, sunlight dancing
golden hair
beckons with both arms
her face turned away

running after her
she calls out something
I can’t hear

What You Do

On this cool, breezy day,
the sun intervened often,
playing out it’s teasing warmth on my soft olive skin,
my dark hair sucked at it hungrily -
it danced through your blond.

Playing chess outside our Starbucks
I leaned heavily into the board,
pursed lips obscured by a clenched hand
enveloped in the worn out sleeve of your old shirt.

Concentrating so hard,
eyes intent on twenty moves ahead to nowhere,
I sang Stevie Wonder softly,
“Do I do, what you do”.
Barely more than a whisper,
as always, the absentminded professor
unaware of any audience…
yet.

No matter.
You were concentrating just as deeply
on something else,
I was no competition for you.

You paused to appreciate a moment in time -
eyes passionately lingering, caressing,
devouring…

I was innocent
until your thoughts reached me.
I looked up, startled,
directly into your intensely dark brown eyes.
Trapped by the depth,
the breadth! of that searing gaze,
I felt again the way I never felt
(will never again)
but in your presence.

I stammered, I smiled,
I blushed, I beamed
Your thoughts could’ve been spoken aloud,
they came across so crystal clear.

Game forgotten,
looking down,
heart spinning out of control,
breath catching in my chest,
the world paused.

Then tentatively, teasingly,
oh so trustingly up through long twilight lashes-
my eyes adored you back.

These memories haunt me.

digging too deep

i often dream
of being more than i am
or have been
or will be

slow, creeping thoughts
threaten to entangle me,
tighten and squeeze
like weeds overcoming lush forgotten gardens
and i stop breathing

there are thoughts of failure
regret
dying alone, so quiet…
empty hotel rooms,
endless nights
with rivers of tears,
running from the unknown
and imagined fears,
hopes and dreams tossed
away,

shaking my head
i quickly kick off these suffocating chains
before they clang shut
and dig furiously
urgently,
to break the surface

free,
panting,
i take a deep breath
before i remember
something that is supposed to be simple

life is short
and only what i make of it.

7/6/05

Stormy Memories

In my mind,
time stops still
for memories of you.

Thunderstorm in the dead of night
we cuddle ‘neath a blackened sky-
listen to rain falling off the garage
and watch the lightning strike.

I mold to you
under your strong, hairy arm,
and you sing an old Roger Miller song
while answering a thousand questions.

I breathe in heavy rain mingled with aftershave
and comforting garage stench
of wood shavings,
oil changes,
and you.

I lay my head on your rumbly tummy
lulled to sleep
by the fresh rush of rain,
insistent deep freeze humming,
and the baritone of your voice-
explaining why the world works.

I never escape from memories of you.

7/27/2005

Wanderlust Away

just more thoughts
that keep me here,
inundated with you.

i’m afraid of losing me.

or that i never found me…

am i finding me with you?

I pine to see the world;
to die knowing a sunset in Africa
a full moon in Paris
to have tasted whiskey in Ireland
and been drunk off wine and a kiss in England.

I want to giggle at Italian men
and touch the streets of Greece
I long to ride through Bangkok,
see cherry blossoms once more in Japan,
and watch the Northern Lights dance across a frozen sky.

Wanderlust.

This barely restrained need
to see all the beauty of this world,
feel its triumphs tremble through my bones…

I won’t deny it
and I can’t hide it
I want to wander where my feet will take me.

One day nothing will hold me back

9/2/03